What a time.
To be alive.
My bad on starting Season Three Episode Seven of the column with lyrics off Drake and Future’s new weak ass album.
But that line really holds true right now. Not only did we get a new Star Wars trailer on Monday.
But Wednesday was “Back to the Future Day”.
And not “Back to the Future Day” as in Ciara is going back to Future. Wednesday was the day that was traveled to in “Back to the Future II”.
So, let us forget about the man dumb enough to cheat on this.
and instead focus on the fantasy future.
Simply put, I am going to step into my fantasy time machine and share what I found out about the way this fantasy season will end.
For every future fantasy projection I share with you, I’ll share something I learned about life in the near future as well.
First Fantasy Future
Todd Gurley is fantasy’s top running back
He’s averaging 152 rushing yards in his last two games on an average of 20 carries a game.
There are two reasons Gurley will finish as fantasy’s top running back.
- He hasn’t even scored a touchdown yet. Those will come and when they do it’ll be in bunches.
- I got a buddy that owns him in one of my leagues and he owned Odell Beckham last year and now he now he owns Gurley. He see the trend there? SWISH!
Life in the future
Our world becomes so politically correct that only one man can lead us.
That’s right. PC Principal becomes president of the free world. Here is a stunning example of why he’ll be elected.
But I’ll be honest, the cocktails they serve in the future are way stronger than they are in today’s world so maybe I was mistaking PC Principal for president, but he really was just the Miami Dolphins new head coach.
Second Fantasy Future
All that is wrong & confusing in Fantasy stays wrong & confusing
If I were to tell you back in August the following things, you would have told me to piss off.
- Through six weeks, Andy Dalton would have more fantasy points than Peyton Manning and Andrew Luck COMBINED.
- Devonta Freeman would have more fantasy points than Le’Veon Bell and Adrian Peterson COMBINED.
- Some guy named Gary Barnidge would have as many fantasy points as Rob Gronkowski in PPR scoring.
- Larry Fitzgerald, Brandon Marshall and Travis Benjamin would rank higher than Calvin Johnson, Randall Cobb and TY Hilton.
Any one of those statements would have been outlandish during the preseason but all hold true now.
And after traveling to the fantasy future, most these statements continue to hold true.
Freeman is a touchdown machine.
Fitzgerald is dominating the slot and will continue to do so as the Cardinals currently have the fifth ranked offense in the league.
Brandon Marshall is still an elite talent on the outside regardless of who throws him the ball.
The Bengals and the red rocket himself will keep putting up numbers.
As President George Bush once said,
It’s Week 7 people. These performances aren’t flukes.
Don’t get fooled again.
Life in the future II
People in the future learn to stop sharing Vines of Drake dancing while thinking they are the first ones to discover such funny videos.
Turns out that in the future, I play a major role in this. Because I post this video below in an attempt to end all “funny Vines of Drake dancing”
There it is. Those are literally all the funny ones.
So please stop sharing videos of Drake dancing because it is not funny anymore.
Third Fantasy Future
Jimmy Graham finishes as the sixth scoring tight end in fantasy
Did you see the game last night?
If you didn’t, that hit about sums up Graham’s night. Russell Wilson continues to look like a man knowing he’s about to get hit out there. If you didn’t trade Graham this week you are stuck with him now.
Here is a list of tight ends that end up finishing above Graham.
- Gronk
- Gary Barnidge
- Greg Olson
- Tyler Eifert
- Charles Clay
- Graham
Any idiot who drafted Graham this year thinking he could do what Gronk does was wrong. For example, look at this guy’s two different teams. He was really wrong.
Life in the future III
Some of my friends get girlfriends, others get wives and some even get the X back.
I learned some things traveling to the future and one of my biggest take aways was the future love lives of my people.
- I have a friend that finally found love after years of heartbreak.
- A few other friends go on to marry their current girlfriends, and the weddings are more fun than I anticipated.
- One of my guys ends up getting his ex back as proximity was the only issue all along.
But sadly, I did find out that I have a few friends that have none of the events I listed above happen to them. No new girl, no marriage, no rekindling old flames.
But don’t worry friends, If life ever becomes too real for you just pass out in a Treasure Island hotel room or something.
It worked for Lamar.
Ah that was a joke, we like to have fun here.
Week Seven Game Previews
Vikings vs Lions
The Lions backfield is a mess. Ameer Abdullah, who I was super stoked on at the beginning of the year clearly has a fumbling issue.
Theo Riddick is a pass catching monster. His 33 receptions this year are more than Hilton or Cobb have, but he is banged up this week and his status for Sunday is uncertain.
Enter Joique Bell.
Bell handled the Lions running load well last year and is close to returning to the field after battling injury. He’s worth an add in leagues as he may be the answer to what is a cloudy backfield right now.
For the Vikings, Stefon Diggs has Minnesota fans excited after his 129 receiving yard game last week. The week before he notched 87 yards on six catches.
Diggs is a must add and likely already owned in most leagues, but I’m here to say he isn’t a guy that should be started in most leagues.
He may be Teddy Bridgewater’s favorite option right now, but Charles Johnson is returning and head coach Mike Zimmer was noncommittal to Diggs’s future role in the offense.
Wait on starting him until his role is more carved out, but this man could be the next Antonio Brown low key.
Bills vs Jaguars
Not many things in life frustrate me more than when my buddy Kraemer is right about calls involving fantasy football.
But he was right about LeSean McCoy.
He traded Julio Jones for DeAndre Hopkins and LeSean McCoy after Week Two, and he couldn’t look like more of a genius.
Hopkins is putting up better numbers than Jones as it is and on top of that, McCoy looked healthy enough last week to be a top 12 running back.
So there it is Kraemer. You were right.
His roster has him in such a good mood in our league as of late that last week he decided to take up floral design again and celebrate his fantasy fortunes.
But unlike that sexy looking pumpkin, Tyrod Taylor’s chances of playing in this game don’t look good. The same goes for Sammy Watkins and Percy Harvin may retire.
What looked like a chill Bills squad a few weeks ago is turning out to look like the same old Buffalo Bills.
Charles Clay is the real deal though. Keep him in your lineups.
Buccaneers vs Washington’s pro football team
Look what Doug Martin’s done the past two weeks.
He’s shown flashes of the “muscle hamster” from two years ago, and I think his production is here to stay.
I realize trusting Doug Martin in your lineup as your top running back is as scary as watching your DD take shots at the bar.
But in the end, you grab a cab and get home safe.
Trust in Martin. Because Tampa is far from a high volume passing offense.
If you have Mike Evans, this would be the week he goes off. Last year he eclipsed 200 yards receiving against Washington.
It’s either now or never for the second year receiver.
I rode the Evans train all summer. Clearly I should have been on the Hopkins one.
Dolphins vs Texans
I’ve talked about the Texans plenty.
Let’s touch on PC Principal’s Miami Dolphins.
This is a classic example of when a group of high school kids hate their teacher and therefore no one in the class really tries.
But then one day, mean old (likely white) teacher doesn’t show up to school and instead walks in a chill, new and young substitute.
You can totally tell the substitute is a dope person so you respect him or her, but they demand enough attention where you know you can’t get away with throwing pencils at your friends all period.
Yeah that’s exactly what happened when the Dolphins fired this guy.
For this guy.
Seriously though, it’s only one game so don’t freak out, but Lamar Miller could be a top 15 back all of a sudden.
He has a nice matchup this week with a Texans defense that can’t seem to stop anyone, and I’d feel confident starting Miller in any format.
Cardinals vs Ravens
It must suck to be a Ravens fan more than it sucks being a kid with parents like this.
The Ravens are a mess. The only good thing is that their entire offense runs through Steve Smith.
His 57 targets this year are an example of how much the Ravens rely on the aging receiver. In fact, Smith is only one of five receivers in the league averaging 100 yards a game.
If you own Justin Forsett, you are likely starting him, but the Cardinals held Le’Veon Bell to just 3.6 rushing yards a carry last week.
I don’t see Forsett doing any better.
That is the end of the previews.
Lets take some fantasy shots and hit the road.
Fantasy shots for road
- Christine Michael establishes himself as the top back in Dallas this week by converting a goal line carry.
- If Keenan Allen doesn’t play because of his hip injury, look for Stevie Johnson to have a big game against the Raiders.
- The man pictured below scores another touchdown this week.
- Celebrity shot: My friend Joel predicts “Cam Newton throws five pick sixes.” He also calls that the Timberwolves win 40 games this year and the Royals over the Mets in six.
Joel’s last shot would mean the Royals eliminated the Toronto Blue Jays, which would obviously mean a horrible day for Canada, and therefore, the rest of the world.
Thanks for reading and as always, have a great fantasy weekend!
Post credit scene
What a time. To be alive.
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