A Disclaiming forward:
Just so readers are aware, Other than this disclaimer, I contributed nothing to the column below. These words were submitted to me by a loyal reader when he heard I was unable to write my column this week.
Heartbroken and confused, this reader who goes by “Uncle Leon” felt a calling to fill the fantasy void I left this week. Therefore, I ask you to take the time to read his work.
I enjoyed parts of it and you will also.
Know that I do not endorse anything “Uncle Leon” says and none of his fantasy advice is a reflection of my opinions or views.
So without further ado, enjoy work that isn’t mine.
(Seriously, I didn’t write any of this. I’ll be back next week with a quality column for the people.)
NOT MY WORK BUT STILL READ
Sorry for the people that live and die by El Will’s dope fantasy advice, but he’s had a week as tough as it is for Andrew Luck fantasy owners. Much like Andrew Luck, El Will isn’t the starting quarterback for this week’s fantasy column, you get Uncle Leon.
This is Uncle Leon, an old wily vet that has maybe had a play that cost his team the game like Matt Hasselbeck did back in 2003. Either way his teammates need him so it’s time for Uncle Leon to step up to the plate and hit a dinger.
Speaking of dingers, my friend knows a friend of a guy who plays for the Blue Jays, so that’s who I’m pulling for to win the World Series.
Also, Bucks in 6.
This week is a big week for my dudes as it is EC’s Homecoming, so let the liquor flow. Please don’t liquor and drive, I repeat don’t liquor and drive. Homecoming is a baller time and liquor and driving is not baller. Liquor and liquor is baller. Don’t let your friends liquor without you, liquor in groups, it’s safer. Enough about liquor (for now), my fantasy team is doing just what I did three years ago for homecoming.
That is fall right on my face. At 0-4, I have faced three teams that put up the most points out of any team that week, as well as the second highest scorer for the other week. Tough schedule, but who cares I don’t write fantasy columns for a living, I just do it for the chicks.
Chicks are dope.
I know you’re probably thinking, why is this guy who’s 0-4 writing a fantasy football column?
That question will never be answered, much like why Matthew Stafford can’t win football games.
Anyhow, falling on your face in front of a homecoming crowd is embarrassing enough, but starting a player that is on his bye week is a close second. You really need to focus in as the weeks drag on about who’s on bye and what the meaning of life is. In the words of my man J.T., “Bye bye bye,” goes out to the following teams on bye this week: Panthers, Dolphins, Vikings, and Jets.
The Panthers get to take a cat nap and remain an undefeated team for another week. Cam can bulk up on some more greek yogurt and Josh Norman can take a break from galloping into the end zone. Who could’ve thunk it? The Panthers are 4-0.
The bye week couldn’t come at a better time for my Phins. A new head coach and defensive coordinator need a week to get things going, but the players might need the week to rest from doing Oklahoma drills too. Either way, this change in coaching might not save their season, but at least it might make their games more enjoyable to watch.
The Vikings, are actually in a good spot right now at 2-2. Coming up just short against Denver shows that they are a playoff caliber team with some great young linebackers, one of which is Anthony Barr who can disrupt any offense. If I were the Vikings, I would just keep increasing the carries for AP, he’s gonna get his, then you’ll get yours. That’s easy math right there.
The Jets are 3-1, wow. They have a shot at the Wild Card too. Fitzmagic is getting the job done and the defense swarms. If you caught any of last week’s game, Fireman Ed had all of London yelling, J-E-T-S JETS! JETS! JETS! That’s pretty dope, they have a lot of momentum going, let’s hope the bye week doesn’t slow them down.
Now for the real thing, the teams that matter this week, the teams will be on TV while you lay on your couch hungover on Sunday.
Thursday Night: Colts at Texans
Don’t watch the game. This is why we didn’t post the column until after the game had started, we hope you don’t watch it. I mean it, get a start on your homework for next week and skip this game. Personally, the headline games have been a snoozer. Vick coming up short against the Ravens was a good game, Seattle sneaking another call against the NFC North in the closing seconds had fans on their feet, and any game with Aaron Rodgers is a beauty to watch, but Colts at Texans, no thank you.
If you’re homecoming, liquor watch this game but don’t look forward to the game itself. Hasselbeck is making a second straight start but is 40 years old and coming off of playing a football game at 40 YEARS OLD and was in the ER until 2 am Tuesday with a virus. Don’t expect Andre Johnson to go off against his former team. Frank Gore should be getting a ton of carries. If you have the Houston D, maybe start them because the Colts are terrible, but so are the Texans. Arian Foster might go off this game, expect a running back duel for this game. Adam Vinatieri might score the only point(s) in this game. Personally I wouldn’t play anyone from either team if I didn’t have to, but sometimes you have to do things you don’t want to do like watching Fan Duel and Draft Kings commercials all the time.
Prediction: J.J. Watt does terrible sack celebration and the Colts win 3-2.
Sunday: Bills at Titans
The Bills should win this game, but Sammy Watkins should also be scoring me fantasy points. I wouldn’t start him unless you have to. Maybe Charles Clay will score a touchdown or something, I don’t know, Bills D would be my pick but I’m a terrible fantasy owner. They are a projected top 5 defense for this week I’m hearing from my sources. The Titans don’t have anybody either, Kendall Wright leads the way in receiving yards and would be a guy to put in your line up, but no big scorers from this game either. Rex Ryan is in movies though, so that should help the Bills out in this low scoring thriller.
Bills win 16-6
Browns at Ravens
Don’t play either quarterback in this game, Forsett might have game here. He’s the only guy I have on my radar for this game with Steve Smith Sr. out, or is he? Steve Smith Sr. is one of the few dudes in the world that could come back from a back/rib injury that include fractures. Microfractures at that, but Steve Smith Sr. is one of the toughest, scariest dudes in the league, either way I think that the Ravens put up big numbers in this game either way having a couple extra days practice and an overtime win. Justin Tucker is a must have starting kicker for this week as he’s the quickest dude to 100 field goals or something like that and just hit a game winner. Who cares about Chancellor, someone pay Tucker.
Ravens win 27-10
Bears at Chiefs
Jay Cutler is my guy. I love him because he just looks like he liquors. However, I don’t see Jay Cutler playing well back to back weeks with a bad hammy. Start Forte, Jeffery will probably sit out again, and maybe Eddie Royal can fill your flex position because Jay Cutler likes him. Forte is your guy for the Bears because he will win the running back duel.
If you’re a man of integrity don’t play Jamaal Charles. On top of that the Bears defense actually isn’t that bad. Two weeks Jamaal Charles did the discount double check celebration and a Lambeau Leap while losing and not playing well overall. Touchdowns are good for fantasy owners, but you can’t claim you’re one of the best running backs in the league and have only one game of over 100 yards at the end of the first quarter of the season. Jeremy Maclin is your guy to play for the Chiefs as he can put on the jets. Bears defensive backs are so-so, if Alex Smith can get the ball to Maclin he should put up big numbers. If the score were based off of who could win 40 hands with a cig in their mouth, Cutler would take the cake.
Chiefs win due to Maclin 35-14
Seahawks at Bengals
As tough it is to play in Seattle, it’s just as tough to play in Cincinnati except the refs aren’t favoring the home team even though they both have strips. The Bengals are tough and undefeated, the Seahawks are whatever. The Seahawks go up against Andy Dalton who is terrible in big games. This is a big game as the Seahawks still think they’re going to win the super bowl. The Bengals are just trying to be all hype again.
I’d start Russell as my quarterback because he’s a good human being and does a lot of charity work. Marshawn I wouldn’t start because he just doesn’t seem to care enough to play with an injury unless the Seahawks can get a blocking tight end. Jimmy Graham isn’t Russell’s guy, so don’t play him unless your other tight end isn’t a recognizable name or if he’s on a bye.
I’d put Jeremy Hill or Giovani Bernard in your flex if you got them as Andy Dalton probably won’t go off on the Seahawks secondary. The Bengals will run the ball a bunch and hit AJ Green from time to time but Andy Dalton throwing at Richard Sherman sounds like trouble.
Bengals win 21-20
Please take a five minute liquor break.
Continue reading please.
Rams at Packers
The Packers play defense now. Even after losing two of the greatest Packers in the history of Packers in AJ Hawk and Jarrett Bush, the Packers still haven’t been getting burned on the run game. I still would start Gurley as he’s a dude and is a former Georgia running back going up against an Alabama running back in Lacy. I’d start both running backs, even though Lacy is under performing this year (due to injury), but he should come around soon. Foles doesn’t turn the ball over, but that doesn’t mean he’s going to throw touchdowns all game, so Gurley is the guy for the Rams to start because you just never know with Green Bay’s defense if they’ll get slashed by the run game.
Aaron Rodgers is cool, so start him. Gruden loves him so why shouldn’t you. Aaron Rodgers will throw a touchdown to Cobb, Jones, Cobb, and (Richard) Rodgers this week. I know I said Cobb twice, I’d start every Packer in your lineup as they are a hot team and don’t plan on slowing down. Lacy should get something going here quickly but with Aaron slinging the ball like every bar tender at the Pickle slings drinks, he just might not get the touches he needs to get going.
Packers win 49-20
#ManCrushSunday
Jaguars at Buccaneers
I wouldn’t watch this game. Play Yeldon as he comes off of a good rushing game and that’s it for this game. Just don’t watch the game and don’t play people on bad teams. Not a lot of detail behind this prediction, but why should there be.
Jaguars win for Holty 14-10
You ever have someone take a pic of themselves instead of you at the bar, but then you look at that pic and realize it’s better than the pic of you would have been anyways. That’s what any other television show will be like compared to this game. Here’s a pic to prove it.
Saints at Eagles
Drew Brees is back and he wants to party. Play Drew Brees and he loves him some Brandin Cooks this week. I’d put Sproles in a flex just because he’s a cute little bugger out there. If you don’t know who to put in at a spot and you have a guy from either team, but them in your lineup. This game will be a high scoring offensive battle, or it will be Drew Brees playing like he did during his super bowl season. The Eagles have to figure it out at some point right? Chips are good, Chip Kelly is not.
Saints win 38-35
Washington at Falcons
Don’t play anyone on the Washington. Start everyone on the Falcons, start their defense start their second tight end, start everyone. Matty Ice is finally doing it. Well actually he’s always been a good regular season quarterback other than last year I believe, but I have had a lot of head injuries so who really knows. I got Roddy White in my lineup even, he’s terrible. Julio Jones is the Dez Bryant of the Falcons, except he’s doing it for the whole season not just the playoff run. Whoever Devonta Freeman is, he’s scoring 20 fantasy points this week, Julio Jones will lead the league in receiving yards this week with over 200 yards, Matt Ryan will throw for 400 yards, second to only a quarterback who wears number 12 (Rodgers or Brady).
Falcons win 45-0
Julio Jones will run wild all season like this Pot Bellied Pig I saw at one of the many zoos I frequented to this summer.
Cardinals at Lions
The Lions will not bounce back this week, but the Cardinals will. Larry Fitz and Carson Palmer are must starts this week. Play Calvin Johnson because he should go off every week, but you just never know when it will happen. Golden Tate will probably do well because I don’t like him, and his haters are his motivators. This game will either be a great game to watch, unless you’re from Detroit, or it will be sloppy.
Cardinals win 28-17
Patriots at Cowboys
The Cowboys are depleted and the only guy that can save them is Jason Witten. He’s the man’s man. He’s the type of guy that you would want to lose a fight to. He’s the guy that would see you in a ditch somewhere and have a chain to help pull you out. He’s also banged up, but he’s tough. With a bad quarterback, who has nothing, expect him to look for the big tight end a lot.
Much like you can count on the quarterback from the Patriots to throw to his tight end. Play Gronk and Brady every week this year as I believe they will be playing the Packers in the Super Bowl and could be the only team to hand the Packers a loss this year. The Packers also could be the only team to hand the Patriots a loss this year as well. Either way that’s who will be in the Super Bowl to end all Super Bowls, 18-0 vs 18-0. Anyways, Brady might throw for 600 yards this week as Greg Hardy said something about Gisele. Brady isn’t a guy you mess with and neither are the Patriots. Also, put Julian Edelman in too, he knows the guy my friend knows from above.
Patriots win 63-7
Patriots will crush teams this year like I crushed Dr. Pep this summer.
Broncos at Raiders
Charles Woodson picks off Peyton Manning for a touchdown and the Football Gods send a beacon of light down to take Charles Woodson into Football Heaven. That’s what I’m hoping for at least. Chuck Wood is the man. Period. This game is in Oakland, but the Broncos sneak by another week. Von Miller is a dude. Expect Janikowski to kick over three field goals this game. I’d put CJ Anderson in the rotation as the Broncos need to get a run game going if they plan on staying undefeated. Start Emmanuel Sanders as he’s my favorite person to play with on Madden because he is super-fast. Start Demaryius, but don’t expect a lot out of him if my man Chuck Wood is on him.
If you could start Charles Woodson, that would be the guy I’d pick from the Raiders, but other than that put in Amari Cooper as he is doing well on the Raiders, a rookie, playing well, on the Raiders.
Broncos win ugly 15-12
Sunday Night: 49ers at Giants
Colin Kaepernick cannot throw the football, luckily he can still run? He should be able to run on the Giants defense this week, but don’t expect him to be throwing the football like he is Tom Brady or Aaron Rodgers (they are good, so they deserve to be mentioned every other sentence). Carlos Hyde will out rush Kaepernick though, but he’ll have to grind it out I believe, but is a must start.
You won’t hear me say this often, but start Eli. He’s known to play well in big games (like the Super Bowls against Tom Brady). Odell Beckham Jr. will also be good, because he made the greatest catch that wasn’t a catch last week (Like how Aaron Rodgers threw the greatest touchdown pass ever last year that wasn’t a touchdown pass). This dude has dope hops. Hops are in beer, beer is dope. You get the picture? These two will have a big Sunday Night, and you’ll be able to watch it as you’ll be napping until kickoff because of your hangover and won’t be able to fall back asleep. I don’t think this game will appeal to the masses, but it will be worth the watch to see if OBJ can pull in one of Eli’s many horrendous passes.
Giants win 31-10
Your spirit animal will look like this on Sunday.
Monday Night: Steelers at Chargers
Mike Vick is my favorite all time Madden player, but you can’t expect him to pick up a first down in a fourth and two situation unless you run QB Sneak No Count. Le’Veon Bell will put up the most fantasy points for a running back this week, I’m thinking right around that 30 point range. Antonio Brown will have an average day as him and Vick figure things out yet, but if he gets the ball in his hands or if Vick just throws the ball up in the air 80 yards down field, you might just see Antonio Brown dancing in the end zone.
Phillip Rivers will throw for a bunch of yards to Keenan Allen and maybe even check it down to Danny Woodhead a bunch. Phillip Rivers will go off on Monday Night. This will come down to if Rivers’ arm is better than Bell’s legs. Big nights for those two guys.
Chargers win at home 28-27
That does it for me, mind you I can coach a high school team to state, but that doesn’t mean that I’m good at the NFL level. I don’t see anyone jumping out and shocking anyone with an outbreak performance this week. I’d expect that if your team sucks, they’ll still suck. I know that’s super helpful. If you’re in a fantasy league of 8 or less, keep an eye out for “good” wide receivers on the waiver wire. Andre Johnson is on league’s waiver wire, but I don’t want someone else’s used goods. At the end of the day, who cares, I should be in the league anyways.
My playoff predictions (in order) are:
NFC: Packers, Falcons, Cardinals, Cowboys, Vikings, and Panthers
AFC: Patriots, Bengals, Broncos, Colts, Jets, and Steelers
Cardinals beat the Panthers, Vikings beat the Cowboys, Broncos beat the Steelers, and the Jets beat the Colts
Packers beat the Vikings, Falcons beat the Cardinals, Patriots beat the Jets, and Bengals beat the Broncos
Packers beat the Falcons and Patriots beat the Bengals
Packers beat the Patriots in a game that combines for over 1,000 yards total offense
Now for some shoutouts:
Shout out to El Will for being dope.
Shout out to AJ Hawk and Jarrett Bush for being future Hall of Famers.
Shout out to my mom for everything.
Shout out to Aaron Rodgers for obvious reasons.
Shout out to T-Swift for breaking my heart.
In closing I’m very bias to running backs as they are the best looking dudes on the football field. I am also very bias to the Green Bay Packers as they are the only “publicly owned” football team. I like any quarterback that appears in movies (Marino, Favre, Brady, etc.). Next week El Will should be writing insightful fantasy columns as usual and will have doper graphics than I do. Hope ya’ll have a great weekend filled with football, family, and liquor.
Love,
Uncle Leon
Play this at my funeral.